A South Dakota winter is not for the faint of heart. Bitter cold, biting winds...why would anyone want to visit during the winter months? Oh sure, our tourism board would love for you to come to the Mount Rushmore state, but you should know that there's really nothing here at all that would interest you.

You might freeze to death in the middle of the prairie, lost for months in a block of ice until you thaw next summer and a rancher finds you and ships your body home to be buried. We're sure that you're very nice people, and we'd hate for our horrible state to kill you off this winter, so here are 12 reasons to stay in Florida or Washington or whatever lily-livered state you live in.

1. South Dakota might be gorgeous in the summer, but as you can clearly see, it's hideous in the winter.

Once the weather gets cold, the entire state becomes one ugly cesspool of frozen waterfalls and soft blankets of snow. We would hate to expose you to such horrors.

2. Once the snow flies, no one could possibly be interested in seeing our best attractions.

It's shocking that the presidents don't just freeze and shatter in this bitter cold. Sure, the national park might stay open during the winter, but no one goes there because it's just too horrible.

3. It's basically way too cold to go outside.

We'd hate for you to make the journey all the way to South Dakota, only to find that everything is completely vacant and devoid of people. We're all just huddled by the fire indoors, watching Game of Thrones reruns, and reminding ourselves that the White Walkers are out there. Otherwise, we'd surely die of frostbite.

4. Speaking of White Walkers, they're definitely out there.

If you're not a Game of Thrones fan, let me bring you up to speed. White Walkers are undead zombie creatures who haunt the deep, dark north woods and kill every living thing they find. If you come to South Dakota and visit the Black Hills, we can't guarantee your safety out there.

5. You certainly wouldn't want to expose your children to this kind of winter torture.

It could almost be considered child abuse to drag young children outdoors in this frigid environment. They'd spend the entire day sobbing, their little tears freezing into icicles in their eyelashes.

6. You can forget about indoor entertainment, too.

We're too busy huddling by that fire to get out and watch a hockey team that's won two Clark Cups and been named USHL Organization of the Year four times. The fact that the Sioux Falls Stampede has also been ranked #1 in USHL attendance shouldn't fool you.

7. The roads in the Black Hills are impassable all winter long.

Want to visit the beautiful forest? Forget about it. The roads are covered in 10 feet of snow, and thoroughly impassable.

8. And once the roads are covered in snow, we don't have a clue how to get around.

It's a hopeless situation, really.

9. Some people might try to convince you that places like Spearfish Canyon are a winter wonderland, but they're obvioiusly lying.

I mean, really. Who would want to have to witness a scene like this?

10. South Dakotans are completely humorless when it's cold, and they don't know how to have any fun.

No one in South Dakota smiles or laughs between November and May. We all adopt a stalwart attitude of solemn deprivation.

11. During the winter, we're forced to huddle in little ice fishing shacks on ugly, frozen lakes in order to find food...

12. ...and all we get is this disgusting walleye.

A plate of perfectly-grilled walleye might look delicious, but it's actually tasteless and mushy. Unfortunately, it's all we have to eat during the frigid winter months. People who tell you that we dine on pheasant, bison, beef steaks and chislic are flat-out lying.

Of course, this is all tongue-in-cheek. We know that South Dakota is the best state in the nation, year-round! Still, if you want to keep the place to yourself, share this with your out-of-state friends and family and remind that that they're better off staying in whatever boring place they live in.